On heartbreak & myth part II: Huldra turns away
The devastating experience of watching Huldra turn away, her hollow back disappearing in the forest.
Lost in the woods
Ever since her turning, I’ve been lost in the woods: An unrecognizable, undeniably dense forest, unwelcoming, unusual, and unlike anything I’ve been in before. I’ve spent a lot of time in the sanctuary of trees but the forest I find myself in is foreign - where usually the rocks, trees, streams, hills and birds greet me as their friend and I know them and recognize them from before. But this forest… as I wander its unknowing darkness, the trees frown and groan at me, the birds are still, distant, the dirt and rock are rough and hostile, the forest’s paths presenting themselves as aimless mazes, without clear end nor exits.
Seeking Huldra
Many a man and woman have ventured into the forest I find myself in, captivated by the feminine goddess, Huldra, nymph, forest frolicking queen, witch. In Scandinavian lore the Huldra appear on the fringes of the forest, sitting at the edge of dark waters, peering past the trees, speaking with the plants and creatures, fox tail dancing, big radiant eyes searing. Catching a glimpse of her flares our hope of finding Her, seeing her, being seen by her, being held by her, following her. Many an unworthy man has followed her into the woods, losing themselves forever. Little did we know that we were not following the proper path of the feminine.
Huldra turns her hollow back
According to lore, when a man or woman comes in contact with the beautiful Huldra, deep in the forests of her home, they must be very careful not to betray nor offend her. If any form of disrespect or threat occurs she is known to curse the offender, or turn her hollow back, like the hollow of a tree, disappearing and leaving them bereft and lost. Finding favor with her is to respect her beauty, her spaces, her homes, her forests, and never disrespecting the fox (sometimes cow) tail that she might be hiding. Finding her favor is a blessing, losing it, a miserable curse. Those who have followed after her, joining her, living her ways, but who then turn against her, will suddenly find she has turned away, disappearing and leaving the cursed soul utterly lost in the vastness of her natural home. Many men and lumberjacks, especially, have disappeared in the forests, having chased after her, lost her, and never seen again, likely freezing to death in the frost of the forest’s brutal winter.
Chasing the myth of the goddess
Why do we run to Her? Whether we recognize it or not, we seek after Her, we crave and miss her since leaving the womb of our birth, born with a connection to her, we see her surrounding us, pieces of her found in everyone, some more, some less. She surrounds us everywhere, invisible as the air we breath, but knowing she’s there. We find her as we wander mountains, meadows, forests. We sense her presence when the autumn winds swirl colorful leaves around us. We feel her near when the stars are bright, the fire low, and the wilderness whispers their nightly songs. We see her eyes and radiance when the sun rises softly. We experience her vast love and warmth as the sun sets in a bath of color. We feel her healing, plunging into the cool pools of springs and rivers. These natural experiences may ignite in many of us the craving to find her, embodied, but such embodied seeking is misguided.
She is spoken of in myth, in lore, in fairytale. Since the origin of us all, we have spoken of Her in whispered storytelling over bonfires and dinner tables. Caves, great halls, greek amphitheaters, home kitchens, and flame-casted campsites have all heard the echo of her stories. We have sung her songs, prayed to her and her idol embodiment. We have have sought her throughout history and time. We have woven her into our stories, our novels, our hopes and our dreams. Her nurturing essence guides the churning wheel of humanity’s heart.
Betraying ourselves
We experience Her in the mothers who bring us birth, protect us, who guide us by hand into the chaos of mortal existence. Dear mothers, that most special and important, wonderful role, how we look to you for comfort! Motherhood is the closest thing to the fullness of the divine feminine. How right it is that men cannot carry this power. As tale as old as time, the womb and motherhood are the most magical powers humanity can wield. But mothers are human, too. They are not the goddess, and we shouldn’t expect them to be. The sacrifice we demand of mom is so significant nowadays, it’s time we re-think the burden of that pedestal.
Inevitably, for so many of us, our mothers and fathers betray the hope that from them we will attain that perfect, whole, constant feminine nurturing. That fabled sense of endless protection and holding is, unfortunately, (much to our juvenile dismay) impossible for any human to provide. It is this sense of betrayal that originates our deepest wounds, our original traumas. It is shocking to realize that we cannot escape the terrors of life and death. Growing up is learning that even our own parents cannot help us escape the shadows, nor the difficult realities of existence and mortality. However, some of us, particularly men, refuse to accept this reality and continue seeking Her from our significant others, instead of turning to her true source…
The wrong path
As we leave the child behind, often in the shadows and rubble of a broken hope, leaping into adulthood, too many of us, especially “man-childs” like me, continue to seek the salve of the divine feminine’s nurturing from those around us. We continue to seek Her in the people presented to us in life. We attempt to suckle and draw the nurturing feminine out of those we choose to be our partners, our lovers. We thrash when we can’t find it or find it inconsistent. Many of us refuse to awaken to the reality of our mistaken pursuit. There are many signs and behaviors that indicate someone is sucking on other’s feminine nurturing, other’s energy. More on this later someday, but how heartbroken I am to hear and see how man treats, thinks, and speaks of the feminine. Men, it’s time to wake up.
This “goddess pursuit” in others is unfair and cruel to those we love most, and it must stop. It is hurtful and inevitably disappointing, these special people betraying us for doing no wrong, for being unable to fulfill an impossible role. We are putting them on a pedestal that no human should suffer standing on- we place them in a place of expectation that inevitably they will falter on, for no one person can fulfill the perfection of Her endless nurturing.
Attempting goddess embodiment
Some of us, even, wish to offer and become the fulfillment of that pedestal’s expectations. We crave perhaps not just to attain Her, but to BE Her. So many of us desire so deeply to be that perfect solution, that perfectly powerful, providing energy, that endlessly nurturing and powerful soul for the people we love. We feel they deserve it, we love them so much and we crave to give them escape. A desire bubbling up from a deep pool of empathy and love, from her source. How immensely we wish we could remove all their problems, all their pains, and heal all their wounds. And oh, the lengths and distance we would go to take away their suffering. How willingly we would expose our necks for the ferocity of their pain to rip at and tear at. How much of our lives we are willing to give for them to feed on.
But alas, much to our deep dismay, we find ourselves faltering, too, failing to be that perfect somebody for that perfect somebody. As much as we desire it, we cannot perfectly fulfill nor stand in the place of the divine feminine’s healing, nurture, and safety. As much as we try, we can never hold them for long enough, squeeze them tight enough, care deep enough. Because in the end, it is not we who will offer them healing, it is She; and She is only found inside the deep pools of our own centered souls.
The proper path to the divine feminine
Her healing power and strength is found in two places, mostly. Most fully in our natural environments, and in our heart of hearts. Her endless beauty and power are found in meadows, wildflowers, pollination, re-birth, re-cylcing, growth, decay, mountains, mushrooms, roots, soil, fruits, food, paws, roars, antlers, hooves, life and wilderness. Though all of us carry parts of her in our hearts, it is not from others that we find true healing, true nurturing. This work is between you and the goddess, alone. You turn to Her by turning to nature and turning inward, to your divine center. Find the nurturing comfort you have sought for so many years from so many places, deep inside the endlessly flowing fount of your soul.
Breakup… What she showed me and what I lost
If you’ve made it this far in reading, I am grateful for your open heart…
My recent breakup has been devastating. When we were together, I was jolted awake with her, torn wide open, and exposed to a sense of magic and delight for life that I had never given myself the chance to experience and taste. This magical woman was the closest thing to Her, Huldra, Hebe, goddess myth that I have ever witnessed, I was captivated, enchanted. The profound sense of meaning I experienced, watching her wander meadows, streams and mountains. The glow on her face as she connected to Her, the feminine goddess inside her as she felt the safety and joy in the spaces we created together. I recognize now the misguided nature of my motives, the confused nature of my masculinity that eventually led to an incomplete vessel, unable to buoy the life we dreamed of together. I attempted so desperately to cling to her, and I wanted so desperately to take away her pains and trauma, to save her and provide a consistently safe space of healing. Alas, I was chasing after the hollow back, I was trying to be something I wasn’t, and expecting something from her that she isn’t. I could not forgive myself for my shortcomings in this role. She extended her hand time and time again, accepting my faults, yet my soul was too intent on being perfect for her, and I was too intent on keeping her on that pedestal. This misguided masculinity is a result of failing to find the source of true manhood, a source that sits within each of our own hearts, not outside, not in the hearts, actions, and words of others, but our own. She sits within us.
It was with her that I discovered my inner-child, little Bryan Curtis, lost and terrorized by my greatest monster, shame. She helped me take that child by the hand and lead him out of his tortured chamber. Her power, from the goddess, has such wonderful potency, healing, transformation, and awe. It’s inspiring what she does, who she is, and the fight she has chosen to stand up for. I turn to gratitude for her while a world of grief consumes me. Grateful for what she taught me, and for introducing me to Her. I recognize and deeply appreciate the role she played in my awakening and healing. Neither of us were perfect, least of all me, and I must face the reality of our twin-flame connection: It was an ending, an opening, a shedding, a cleansing, and a re-birth.
Unfortunately I cannot find all the right words now to fully describe her, that relationship, how she, She, transformed me. I could spend a lifetime trying to figure it out and writing about it. Perhaps this is why I turn to myth as the only way I can really make sense of things. I am baffled by the way she changed my life and world, turning it upside down and leaving it unrecognizable. As healing sets in and the dirt of the past gets washed away, a pure kind of love for her remains… Making the grief worse.
It is in this foreign forest that I begin my masculine journey, the appropriate path with the feminine’s healing power, coming from the wells of glowing water inside me, not from others. A practice and a journey that I’m just beginning. Here I enter Olympus’s path toward strength in masculine love and masculine safety, shedding everything and rooting myself deep in the black and blue soil of source, as she did, does and is.
The more noble path of masculinity is becoming a man who can build and offer space for the feminine to enter in, flourish in, heal in, heal others, and heal the earth. Create, cultivate, and grow. Help to heal others by showing them Her path, as she showed me. This is the new masculine, this is our new role as men. It’s time for us to abandon the masculine ego, that entitled, “I am”. It’s time to build and offer space for Her, to the divine feminine power of healing, growth, creation, regeneration. A safe space for the womb. Space for her within our hearts, and spaces for her on this earth. Let’s turn to Her.
